Can men be feminists?

When I first ran across this issue my initial reaction was: “Sure, why not?” Feminism’s strength is partly in numbers and without the cooperation of those who hold a lot of privilege, feminism could never have succeeded at anything.

But then I must remember that any advances made by feminism never happened with the cooperation of those in power. They were always forced to grant women more rights under the law, because constant protests and bad press made it very unprofitable for them to do otherwise. One very good example of this was the struggle for women’s suffrage; this was even in some countries of Europe, not achieved until after the second world war.

Still, I was OK with men joining the feminist movement and calling themselves feminists until I stumbled across this guy. He is a sexual predator who used feminist concepts to lower the defenses of his victim(s). He used it to build trust where he didn’t deserve it. I am absolutely disgusted by assholes like these. Since I have learned about Kyle Payne I feel that if men are truly serious about advancing equality they will not label themselves feminists and will leave it up to feminists to determine if he can be considered an “ally”.

They should also not try to educate women on feminism or the inequality they live in. Some women are not aware of the situation or choose not to think about it. It is not up to men to try to change their minds. What men can do is speak to other men. They can call out their friends on their bigotry and tell them off for laughing at rape jokes or anti-woman jokes in general.

Another thing that irks me is men who consider themselves allies trying to take over feminist spaces. It is hard enough for women to find spaces where they will not be interrupted or ridiculed by men. Where they can speak about their pasts without having to worry that there will be men who don’t understand or who will use it as ammunition against them.

I have encountered men at feminist spaces who were the loudest and most vocal, who hijacked almost every conversation and who always demanded to be the center of attention and made every issue, feminists related, about them. They are a serious disruption of feminist discourse. Feminism’s strength may be in numbers, but it is also in the bonding of women and their opportunity to talk to each other and share experiences.

It would be equally ridiculous for me as a white woman to demand access to womanist spaces. How could I possibly discuss what the experience of racism feels like? The only think I can do is discourage it in my own environment.

There are of course places where people can unite in their activism, but as long as privilege exists, groups who are disadvantaged by it, must have the room, the security and privacy to express themselves freely. Until we have a better society, this is the only solution.

Indirect Activism

This is a post that has been swerving inside my mind for some months now. When I first became a feminist and, naively, outed myself to some people I knew, one guy who all that time simply pretended to be a friend, asked me

“What are you going to do for feminism? What will be your contribution?”

I didn’t know and felt guilty about not knowing how I would help the movement. He knew that of course and was trying to label me a hypocrite. In retrospect I find the situation laughable. No way was he going to change my mind and he had no business talking to me like that, because if it were up to him the feminist movement would not exist.

I have since learned that the most important thing a feminist can contribute to the movement is herself and especially her own well-being. In airplanes they always tell you to put your own oxygen mask on before you try to help anyone else with their’s. This makes total sense, because if you pass out how can you help anyone, much less yourself?

The same rules applies to all feminists. Part of being a feminist is self-discovery. What parts of you are who you are and what parts have been programmed into your head by the patriarchy? Which laws and (un)spoken societal rules make sense and which don’t? Your background, your educational level, your profession. Why did you choose them? How do you feel about your appearance? What image have you got of yourself? Where do you stand on certain political issues? Are there things you haven’t considered? Is there information you missed before? What arguments are being given and do you agree with them and most importantly, why do you or do you not agree?

These are all questions that women who come into feminist consciousness will face over the course of several months to several years. I have been a feminist for two years now and I am not done with answering all these questions. However, each answer I find leads me to discover a new part of myself and allows me to grow. It also allows me to participate in discussions and to design my life the way I want in a way that will make me happy and provide me with satisfaction and a sense of pride and self-worth. Whenever people have questions, and I know it’s not my duty as a feminist to take people by the hand and educate them in spite of themselves, I can provide answers and supply information that can at times lead to wonderful results and a new awareness in the people I communicate with.

Any form of activism also takes a great deal of energy. If you feel beaten down or uncertain of yourself, because all your life you have heard that you are less worthy, because of physical characteristics you were born with, you won’t have the energy to go out and protest. You won’t have the energy to tell people off and to help others who need it. So working on yourself and separating lies from the truth can create a rock-solid base that you can take-off from and occasionally land on when you need to recharge your emotional batteries.

And finally the strength you find in feminism can be a source of inspiration for other women and if they are lucky they will eventually be able to tap from the same source of strength as you do. This will also give you something to bond over and make you both stronger.

So in conclusion I would just like to say that working on yourself is one of the best forms of activism and perhaps the only viable basis for all forms activism.

Proof of Heterosexuality

The gossip train in our school moves at full speed and the people on it are constantly speculating on who is dating whom? With whom are people getting in on? What kind of juicy news gets spread and who is the first to know?

I am never the first to know. Truth be told, most of it passes me by without me ever being any the wiser. For some part I am relieved. I really don’t care about other people’s personal lives and I consider it to be none of my business, just like I consider anyone’s personal life to be no one else’s business. Though knowing what people say about you can work as a barometer for the general attitude a group of people has toward you, in other cases you’re better of not knowing.

In this instance I was relieved with what I heard. The gossip train had linked me with a guy I often work with. I told them that I am not dating him, because I don’t like relationships. I feel that being in a monogamous relationship almost feels like claiming someone and being claimed in return. It feels very possessive to me and I have a big problem with possessing people and being a possession myself. Which is excellent material for another post.

In my school I have hidden the fact that I am feminist from my classmates and I doubt that they know. But should get wind of it, the label “lesbian” would most likely soon follow. I have heard homophobia expressed left and right by various people and I think that having that label would further hinder my connections. So the fact that they thought I was dating one of the guys in my class actually felt like a relieve. Even more so, because they considered our connection to inevitably lead to a relationship at some point.

That rumor, though false, has provided proof of heterosexuality and with it a little more acceptance. In this case it is an unearned privilege of which I felt the effects almost immediately. Here it is obvious that I am using my het-priveliges to gain acceptance in a peer group.

I am still trying to figure out how I feel about that. Using privilege that you haven’t earned, but that are based on characteristics you are born with, is a luxury that not everyone has. I have white-privilege, straight-privilege (though I could lose that if rumors were told that I was gay), able-body-privilege, even still some beauty privilege (despite the fact that I have become fat). My parents, though not the richest people, have always had a certain amount of wealth, so I get privilege from that too. I was raised in an environment where computer were the norm and my computer skills are in part also acquired due to privilege.

I really haven’t got a point I want to make with this post, but I am interested in other people’s opinions. So feel free to leave a comment with your opinion on the use of unearned privileges. Is it ever OK? Is it sometimes inevitable? Please tell me what you think.

Two Separate Crews

Yesterday I had a very interesting night meeting some former graduates of the maritime college I attend. It was generally a fun and interesting evening and I acquired some useful information about the maritime industry.

One issue that stands out was an asshole, who wasn’t even a maritime student, who fucking kept discounting my experiences in the software industry. I explained some of the processes for distributing software and on several occasions he actually told me: “No that is not what they do. That is not how it’s done.” At one point he even told me to “use some logic”. I would have been speechless, if I hadn’t been so annoyed by his “all knowing” attitude. Besides the things I already told him last night I would just like to add: “Go fuck yourself, you arrogant prick, for thinking you know better than someone who was actually there.” I think it is safe to conclude that this particular conversation was very unsatisfactory for both sides.

I later met up with a fellow maritime student, who is a sophomore, and one of the guys who organized the event. We got to talking about ships policies regarding hiring procedures, interns and crew. I related the situation I experienced on board last November, when I shipped out as passenger on a container feeder. I was wondering what a former maritime professional thought of the situation and he was of the opinion that something had happened on that ship that caused the distrust between the captain and the deck-crew.

I then asked him if it was common that there was such a divide between the Filipino crew members and the officers and he said that it was. The reason is that their culture is different and that they feel very uncomfortable socializing with the captain, the mates and the engineers. They eat in separate mess rooms or at separate times and they prefer different types of food. I am not entirely convinced of all that I was told. This situation may be true on European vessels, where most of the mates and the engineers are white. But even in these cases, all crew members are certified and many have a lot of experience with ships.

Having such a gap between deck and bridge/engine-room, means that you will lose a lot of experience and knowledge. With such a divide and a lack of communication it is almost like having too separate crews on board. What could be the use of such a system? Most ships also don’t require that many mates and engineers anymore. Which means that the number of officers have declined and that can sometimes lead to a feeling of isolation when you have very few people to talk to. This to me seems all the more reason to try and make the crew one unit, where the members will talk to each other, especially in informal settings.

Meal-times are an excellent informal setting where people can talk about the day and situations on board. It’s not an official meeting, but in my experiences in college and working in offices, such settings usually reveal problems people would have otherwise not brought up. This would apply to an all Filipino deck-crew as well. Though I know that deck-crews aren’t always all Filipino. I only use the situation I encountered as an example here.

Would they feel such discomfort dining with the captain? When I was on board, I would occasionally share a beer with them and the ship’s intern. They weren’t shy to talk to me, so I doubt that race is an issue. The problem seems to be with rank. However, some other comments that were made last night, make me wonder if it isn’t also the captains who are more comfortable with the situation. One of the guys I talked to said it is very easy when people just follow others without question and it might not be as much fun at the table if the crews all ate together as much as shifts would allow.

It might entirely be possible, that I won’t see it this way, once I have been on board for a couple of years. Perhaps I will then see it as an impossible situation, but I sure hope not. Because it looks to me that people can only gain from a united crew.

My Weight

Today in class we messed around a bit with a scale. We were suppose to weigh various large objects, but the scale we used was designed to weigh people. Some objects could not be weighed directly so somebody had to step on the scale and hold the object, afterwards we would subtract the person’s weight from the total and, well you get the idea.

One woman in my group exclaimed that she would “definitely not step on that scale!” When we were done with our assignment two guys stepped on the scale and they both weigh around 70 kilogram. I told the “lightweights” to get out of my way so I could step on the scale. I know that joking with people’s weight is a toxic thing to do, but sometimes I need a buffer against potential weight-related harassment.

I weigh 94 kilograms, which is at least twenty kilograms heavier than all of the people in my study-group. When I was done, the other woman in my group also stepped on the scale. She too is around 70 kilograms but assured us several times that usually she is “4 kilograms lighter” than the scale indicated.

I know where her anxiety comes from. I still feel it too at times, though overall I am a lot happier with my appearance, despite the fact that the vast majority of people think that fat=ugly and a whole bunch of other negative things they can think of.

This is why I like Joy Nash. She tells it like it is. I especially like this quote from her:

“Tell people how much you weigh. It’s just a stinking number.”

She is right. If you can diagnose every person on the planet with a scale alone and the prescribed treatment is always “lose weight”, than we would fucking all be doctors. No college degrees necessary.

So with that in mind I stepped on the scale in class and said my weight out loud. When I got home I put my height and weight in the sidebar of my blog and I want to encourage other (feminist) bloggers to do the same. Let’s stomp out this weight bigotry! Let’s do it today and start a new revolution, starting with the internet.